Sarrie. Sarrier. Sarriest!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

great my 50th post just has to be a super depressed one. it sucks k, it really does. i keep crying and crying. i think in my whole secondary school life only got 1 other period of time when smth happened and i cried more than now. sigh and everybody's happy for me cos of my score but i myself am not happy cos i know i can do better. no correction i should have done better. bleh so now im depressed. really depressed. i missed my 6 points, all cos of freaking chem. i dun believe it la chem is my best subj and i got a2?! how is that possible?!!! people are supposed to improve their score during o levels but i deprove! what's this la. so now there's totally no hope of going rj. which sucks. and rj sucks even more cos they told me not to bother appealing cos i sure wun get in. stupid school. and the worst thing is im elligible for one of moe's scholarships but only if i go to an independent ip school. ie. rj. argh it's so unfair la 2nd time i miss the freaking scholarship! 1st psle i missed it by a few marks only. then now o levels i actually qualify for it but can't get it cos rj doesn't want to accept me. ARRRRRGHHHHHHHHH. and then there's my competitive streak. when mrs sim was annoncing the top scorers i was praying and praying and praying i'd be one of those. but noooo. im not. so what if im among the top 5% of sg when i din even make it to the top 10% of mg?! can't believe how much i deproved la. and theres smth really wrong with me. i see those people who get worse results than me i also jealous. why? cos they improved so much from their prelim scores. from over 20 drop until almost single digit. if they can improve so much then how come i deprove. and my mum's not helping. she keep telling me serve me right who ask me never study harder. like what la i already put in so much more effort than i normally do k! and i did study! maybe i shouldn't have. haix. depressed and angry and is bad combi. and very guilty. cos i try so hard to be thankful to God that i got this score but i only feel a little thankful, mostly for geog. got a1 for that. then combined humans a2. a and e maths a1. physics a1. freaking chem and bio a2!!! english a1. chinese from june b3. my only freaking b. now im regretting not resitting for the nov paper. argh. so now since there's no hope for rj im going ac. its so freaking far la. at least the culture is more or less the same. later going their open house. and now ive got something else to be thankful for. all the bad stuff that has happened to me has taught me how to more or less control my tears so i probably wun cry later when im outside. hopefully. now i just wanna go bang my head on the wall.

11:19 AM; sarrie~